My Hidden Angel
by Amara the Warrior
Summary: Quistis/Selphie Pairing. Quistis struggles to deal with reality. Selphie is one of the many who notices that something is wrong. She tries to help Quistis see that she struggles with a disease...but the fact is...only Quistis can right the wrong.
1. Prologue

Author's Note: This story is about the horrible mental illness called Schizophrenia This is dedicated to my friend Wander an Wonder because she is my friend and I care about her a lot. I don't know her in person, but maybe one day we will meet. I'm sorry if I sound too forward Wander…you're just an interesting person to know. And that is a good thing. I don't necessarily dedicate stories to people who suffer with the disease I'm writing about. I just dedicate it to people who have made an impact in my life.

***Note***

I wanted to let you all know that the pairing in this story will be a lesbian pairing. Now, I'm straight, but I'm open to so many different things, honestly. I don't care what people think. You have been warned.

I don't own Final Fantasy VIII. I only write using the characters for fun. This note/disclaimer will be in effect for the WHOLE story. And this is FANFICTION also, although I do put some of my own ideas into the story. Also, I don't want to make a mockery of any mental illness or illness in this world. I only wish to open the eyes of other people.

Religion, som Gud vores Fader accepterer som ren og ubeklagelig er dette: se efter forældreløse og horeunger i deres nød og at holde sig fra bliver forurenet af verden.

~James 1:27

I wasn't even doing anything; just walking down the street…

I overheard a conversation. I knew it was wrong for me to listen in, but I did anyway. There was something odd about that conversation.

Someone was planning on killing someone else. Suddenly, I realized I was in the middle of something wretched.

I was exhausted from the day already. Hearing the conversation about murder gave me the creeps. I made it my job to get the hell out of there. As I was running, I bumped into my friend Selphie tilmitt.

She looked at me with these wide green eyes. Her golden brown hair was flipped and hectically brushed. "Quisty," she jumped. "What's the rush?"

I was Quistis. I was an instructor over at the Garden. I had been fired after being called a favoritor…. They then doubted my teaching abilities and fired me. I was a normal SeeD until the end of the war…

I had to work at it, but I had finally gotten my teacher's license back. I was very happy.

Now, Selphie and I had literally "bumped" into each other, and I was feeling a little embarrassed about all that.

"So, what's up?" she chirped.

"He ky," I replied.

Selphie looked at me like I had five heads. I didn't understand; was it something I said?

"What did I say?" I demanded. "You wanted an answer, didn't you? Well, I gave you one!"

She shook her head. "Um, can you just repeat what you just said."

"Oh for Hyne's sake...," I breathed with annoyance. "The Sky….the sky is *up*!"

She stared at me with concern. "Are you okay?" she asked.

I glared at her. "Why wouldn't I be okay? What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm worried about you…"

"Don't be…I'm fine!"

"Wait," she yelled. "Quistis!"

I ran far away from her. It started to rain. As I ran faster, it started to pour. I didn't let the rain stop me; I kept running. I didn't know what I was running from. Selphie was my friend. She always was there for me. Why was I so afraid?"

Her beautiful green eyes, her cherry red lips…my best friend.

The rain fell and covered my entire body. I didn't care; I let it soak through my white shirt.

I just lay there in the rain…almost nude. I let time pass me by. I had run into the forest, so no one would find me.

I still had no idea why I had run so far away.

How…

Why…

Those words all passed through my head. I really didn't know why I did those things. I yearned to know how, and even more…why?

I awoke when it stopped raining. I had forgotten for a moment, why I was there. Then I remembered I had run from Selphie.

I rubbed my head. The forest was buzzing with life. The greens and browns were moving around me.

Then I grasped the locket Selphie had given to me when we were kids. It was so beautiful, so sweet.

And I still wore it.

Love didn't have to be pure, or special…sometimes…it just happened.


	2. Entwined Forces

Entwined Forces

I awoke like any other morning. It was cold and rainy; typical of any normal fall weather. I woke up exhausted and had no idea why I was so tired. It was actually disturbing.

I felt so "flat" and "unemotional". I had been like this for a while now.

I never thought much of it at all. I was cold, and sad. It was me…

But the nightmares weren't normal. What was happening to me?

I shook my head; it made no sense to figure it out now.

Was I trying to run away from the truth? Was I just in complete denial that there was something wrong with me? What was the issue? What was my problem? What was I running from?

I saw things that weren't there sometimes. Was I crazy?

Quistis...yes...that was my name.

And I had an important job to do.

But how was I going to do it if I heard voices?

I heard a knock on the door. Hastily, I went to go get it.

It was Selphie.

"Hey," she said softly. "How are you feeling?"

I shrugged. "Like I've been run over by a truck; but other than that, I'm alive, which is probably a good thing."

She looked at me with concern. "Aww, why do you feel like you've been run over by a truck?"

I closed my eyes. I was trying to remember. I didn't and couldn't remember.

"I...don't...know..."

"How come you don't know?"

"It's hard to explain." Everything in my life was hard to explain.

"Is there something wrong?"

I cried, "I don't know."

"There's something wrong with me. I can't...I can't...I can't...think."

Selphie hugged me tightly. "It's going to be alright. Whatever it is, there will be a way to manage it."

I wanted to move and think clearly, but I couldn't.

My only hope was Selphie, my best friend...

She was beautiful and kind.

She was my everything.

She thought I was beautiful, when everyone else didn't.

I had to thank her, for being a true friend.

After hugging me for an hour she told me she had to go work on the garden festival. Then she left me alone.

Walking with a horrible disease was a long walk alone. Some days, I didn't know if I could do it.

I didn't know what was real and what wasn't.

It was the most disturbing thing ever.

But at least I had my good friend Selphie.

She saved my life when it came to surviving this disease.

This disease that changed the way I saw reality.

I saw the grace and beauty of the world.

And I knew that I was going to be the one who would bring it all back.

I didn't care about who thought I was ugly or stupid.

They didn't know me.

I knew there was something wrong with me...

And I know I have to do something about it.

But I didn't know what...to do...

I didn't have a history of any kind of diseases...

When bad things happened I always blamed fate. I was trying to live, when I should have been trying to avoid dying. I was stuck and scared. I didn't know what to do. I loved life...but I was afraid...

I was afraid of dying. The voices…they were telling me…that I was going to die. It scared me to death because something like that could really happen.

But what were those voices…they couldn't have been real. But if they weren't real…then why was I hearing them? It didn't make any sense.

I didn't make any sense.

They were whispers; cold, dark whispers. Sometimes they were nice and sometimes just plain evil. Hyne…why were you doing this to me? Why did you give me this horrible disease? Why?

I wanted answers. I wanted to rip at my chest and find the answers in my heart. But…I knew there weren't any. I was all alone.

I was starting to get scared. I didn't know what to do. Reality constantly changed all around me. And I couldn't control it. I couldn't even fathom why such a horrible thing was happening to me.

The insanity ripped at my heart, and I started to believe that those voices were real. I started to believe the most insane things: that people were out to get me. I couldn't think logically…I couldn't think at all. All I knew was I was in danger.

Selphie…I had to find her. Maybe in the midst of all this chaos I would find some stability with her?

I left my room and walked down the hall. I was looking for her, crawling through crowds, trying to find a glimpse of her.

And then I saw…her…in all her beauty…standing by the fountain.

"Selphie," I called. "Is that really you?" She smiled at me, her pearly whites standing out amidst the crowd. She waved to me and motioned for me to come over.

"I thought you wanted to sleep," she chirped. "Watcha' doin' here?"

I sighed. "I have something to tell you…"

She looked at me with a concerned look upon her face. "Well…what is it?"

I looked around the crowd. All the people talking and laughing, I knew that was the wrong place to tell Selphie my story. I didn't want other people listening in. This was a personal account, not a drama club.

"Can we talk in private?" I urged. "I don't feel comfortable here…"

Her green eyes became wide with fear. "Oh, my Hyne!" she gasped. "Is it really that bad?"

I nodded. "Yes, it is…now can we talk in private?"

She nodded sadly. "Sure," she agreed. We walked back down the hallway and into my room. I took out my key and unlocked the door. We both stepped inside.

She looked at me with fear. She knew what I was about to tell her wasn't going to be good news.

"So, what did you want to tell me?"

I sighed. "It's a long story, Selph."

She smiled. "I like long stories."

We entered my room, which was messier than usual. Selphie immediately picked up on this. "So, you haven't been cleaning much, huh?"

I shook my head. "Nah, something weird is going on."

She walked over to me and took my hand. "Well, what is it?"

"I think I might be Schizophrenic."

She was immediately taken aback by the statement. "What?"

"Yes, I think I have Schizophrenia."

Her eyes were clouded with tears. I don't think she knew what to do.

"Are you sure?" she asked hesitantly. "Maybe you're just tired?"

"No, I've read up on all the symptoms…they really do sound like me. I think I'm a sufferer of Schizophrenia."

She shook her head. "Well what are we going to do?"

"I have to see the doctor to confirm this. He'll know what to do."

She looked downward. "Okay, so what do we do now?"

"Let's go see Dr. Kadowaki…"

We walked down the hallway, in a more tired, and sad manner than before. We both knew there was something wrong with me. Well, there wasn't something wrong with me; there just was something inside me that was hurting me. It was a demon inside my brain, telling me to do all those horrible things.

I was scared…

Maybe Dr. Kadowaki would be able to help. I wasn't sure how much help she was going to be. She was a general healer…not a doctor that dealt with the mind.

The mind…that was my problem…my mind wouldn't stop moving…the voices were neurons firing in my brain…I couldn't stop them…not without help.

I needed help.

Hyne, please help me.

Walking away from my room scared me. I had the scariest feeling that I was being watched. And I didn't like that feeling. It scared me.

I didn't want help, but at the same time I did. I just wanted to feel better. How was that such a horrible thing?

But whatever it was, it was inside my mind, and it wasn't going to quit, no matter what I did or said.

This was my worst situation yet!

We walked into the office where Dr. Kadowaki worked. She was a kind older woman. I had known her for years. She was the one who actually practically raised me.

My foster parents were no good. We got into arguments a large amount of the time. We were too different and that was a bad thing.

I entered Garden at a young age, and trained to be a SeeD. I was so good, they hired me as an instructor. Then I was fired for having favorites. But then they hired me again after I proved that I was a gifted instructor.

And now, I feared being fired again for having a mental illness. Mental illness wasn't well known where I lived. A lot of people were afraid of the people who suffered from them. Now I was one of those people. And I was scared, because I loved my job. But I didn't want to have to live a life that was not my own.

I didn't know what to do.

Maybe Dr. Kadowaki did know what to do?

She smiled when she saw us walk in. "Hello," she called. "How can I help you?"

"Quistis needs your help," Selphie explained.

Dr. Kadowaki turned to me in alarm. "Is this true," she asked.

I nodded sadly. "Yes, I do need your help."

"Well how can I help you?" she walked around the room. Her dark eyes were tired as usual. She wore her lab coat and her hair in a severe bun.

My hair was disheveled and oily. I couldn't believe it; I had forgotten to shower.

Selphie had extra high hair today. She always looked beautiful though and always would.

"Quistis," she repeated. "What is the problem?"

"I hear voices."

Dr. Kadowaki formed a sad expression on her face. "How long have you been hearing voices?"

Tears were falling onto Selphie's white shirt, making noticeable stains.

"For about a month now…" I answered.

"What else have you noticed?"

"Delusions, paranoia, hallucinations…"

"My Hyne…" she gasped.

"What?" I asked fearfully.

"You might have Schizophrenia."


End file.
